paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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