I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
