Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
