It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I said "one day" and that day is not today
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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