Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
