genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
