Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
