Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
