How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i think i just lost a toe
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
