I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
