Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
