just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
