Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
