i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Randomize
