Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
