there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
