I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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