I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
