totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
