wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
