I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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