JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
