I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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