I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
