yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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