i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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