sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i dont even know how to be here
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
