I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
