You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
