I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
