It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
this is an emotional support booty call
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
