i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
