I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
