I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
