i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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