she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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