Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
