I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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