Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
