god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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