Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
