I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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