thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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