So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
