Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He passed out mid-signature
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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