Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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