He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
