My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
