If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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