3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
