Soap is not a condiment
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
